(I will must tell you... I wrote this blog to clarify my own thoughts... and work out my own difficulties. It might not be what you want to read... and now... you have been warned!)
I am writing this out of thanks for the five people who sent me the scriptures that I've posted above. You have confirmed what God has been speaking to my heart. I had been fervently praying about 'why' I continue to be wrestling with my auto-immune diseases and the pain they bring. I asked the Lord... if it was a lack of love or some sin in my life... what is it Lord... please tell me so I can move on... yet all I kept hearing from Him was, "My grace is sufficient for thee."
I am no one that you should be reading my blog... my abilities to write with eloquence is limited at best and I am not a scholar of any sort. But... if you are reading this... please allow me to some how express myself... so that I can better understand my own feelings and emotions... so that I can find a new way to deal with this incredible pain that I am in.
I have been given a disease that keeps me in constant touch with my limitations. I find it hard to believe that I need a walker to get around and help me move. Still, I am very thankful for this medical device... when my back gives out... I have a 'seat' right there with me. This is the journey... and the pathway I am on.... for right now!
Today as I was getting ready to attend 'Christmas caroling' at a nursing home... my mind went back to the days I worked as an activities director in one. Many of the seniors in these homes are so very lonely and they are just looking for someone to talk to. It is a privilege to go and maybe bring a little joy into their lives.
So... I pushed through showering and washing my hair... however in drying it and styling it... and in getting dressed and ready... my body began to rebel. The sharpest pains began to stab my back and neck... my legs just didn't want to move... the arthritis and swelling in my neck rests on nerves that shoots pain into my brain. When I first experienced 'brain pain' I thought I was truly going crazy... but my rheumatologist explained that the nerves were being affected and this was normal. Normal??? Really this is Normal?? Not to me... to me it is the most excruciating and tortuous pain I have ever had to deal with. The inside of my brain feels like it is trying to explode and can't.
My legs don't want to move and feel stuck because of the arthritis in my hips. Each joint has a stabbing pain when I move... it starts in my back and goes down my legs and then shoots up my neck and arms... moving is so uncomfortable and not always an option. This was what happened today... I literally felt 'stuck' within myself... and I could not move without agonizing pain. My husband picked up on what was happening... and in his love and graciousness... decided we should just stay home... so here I am trying to understand all of this one more time.
While satan has done his best to get me down... he must not realize... that he is just pushing me further into the arms of my loving Savior, Jesus Christ. In Jesus, I don't focus on my affliction... instead I rest in His loving arms. And there... my God just keeps filling me more each moment with His unwavering love and insights that I might never have known... had I not had this burden to bear.
Many, many times I have pleaded with my Lord to remove these infirmities... and each time he continues to tell me, "My grace is all that you need, My power works best in your weakness!" And now that you, five of my friends... have sent me this same message, I realized I must totally trust the Lord to work out His will in my life... no matter the pain... no matter the misery or the affliction. I am where He wants me to be... at this moment in time... and His grace is sufficient me.
I am sorry if I sound like a complaining woman... sometimes just jotting down my thoughts... helps me to get a better grip on what is happening in my life and it also reminds me to keep my eyes on the prize! My race isn't over yet... not by a long shot! Lord Jesus... just give me the strength for today... and help me just to take, 'one day at a time!'
If you suffer with an illness or pain of any kind... I would urge you to place it in the Loving hands of Jesus Christ. He will carry you... when you can not walk on your own.