Dad, Fall of 1990
January 14, 1991 - It was a bleak, but brisk Monday morning as we waited for my dad's home health nurse to arrive. My dad was finally coming to grips with the limitations of his ailing heart and he was feeling a little depressed.
A tremendous hurt had already occurred while dad was still hospitalized. The doctors had told him he could no longer drive. I still remember that day, nothing seemed to ease the pain of him losing that particular freedom.
The doorbell interrupted my thoughts, as dad's nurse had arrived. Within minutes she was asking questions and drawing his blood. She approved the schedule, I had worked out for all of my dad's medications and then she showed us exactly how to monitor his heart, via the phone. I was beginning to feel, just a tad more confident, in his being home from the hospital.
Dad had an appointment with his cardiologist the very next day and everything went very well. He was thrilled to be out of the house and wanted to have lunch at Pizza Hut. He and my mom had a healthy salad and then shared a very small personal pan pizza, before we headed home.
It was the simple things that were most pleasing to my dad since being discharged from the hospital. He had wanted that, "real cup of coffee," a "home cooked meal" and now he just wanted to attend church on Sunday. I was just feeling better, as we approached the one week marker on his being home.
I was finally sensing some peace in my heart. I had held a fear of my father's death ever since his heart stopped on Christmas Eve. However, dad had a nurse visiting him daily, his heart was being checked twice daily via the phone and the doctors were very pleased with his progress. It was time for me to get my family back to some sort of normal.
Still I had fears and I wasn't sure where they were coming from. I knew the Lord and so did my father. If he died, we both knew he would go to heaven and someday I and other family members who were saved, would join him. Still, I couldn't shake how I felt. I asked my co-volunteers at West End Ambulance Squad to be alert to their EMS radios, just in case.
Taking things into our own hands is not fully trusting the Lord. It is saying, "I know you are in control God, but just in case... I have a back up plan." These backup plans are never pleasing to the Lord, as He desires our complete faith, hope and trust to be fully in Him!
I have learned that even the most genuine and devoted believer can have days when they fear death. There is an innate "fear of the unknown" as dying was never a part, of God's plan for us. We were made to be complete, living in paradise and in harmony with Him. Death came as a result of our sin and now if we never died, we would wind up living in a sinful world forever.
When we know Christ, there is no room for fear and doubt, we either trust Him or we don't! For some of us, this total trust comes easily, for others it is a process of studying God's Word and prayer. Learning to lean completely upon Jesus is a joy that compares to nothing this world has to offer!!